Sunday, October 30, 2005

Is Tony Blair my mum?


So, it appears I really do live in the
nanny state. Blair is going to ban drinking on public transport to clampen down on antisocial behaviour.

So, the vast majority of us who do not misbehave are going to have our right to be treated like grown-ups taken away. I don't drink on a train but HOW DARE HE tell me that I can't? If someone is drinking on a train, and I don't like it, I move. But they have a right to do that if they want to. STOP BEING MY MOTHER TONY!!

Ugh! It is so annoying, I could really smack him.

The other theme of the press this week has been about
single people living alone. Apparently the world is about to end because some of us choose not to get married or flat share. Society makes a big play about female liberation but deep down, there is something deeply disquieting about women who choose to live on their own without men. People are threatened by it. But instead of coming out and saying so, their fear is disguised as concern that single dwellers will "turn in on themselves", will have no friends and die lonely and decripit. In fact, very few of my friends who live alone hate it. Yes, we might wish for company, sometimes you do want sex in the middle of the night or someone to sit next to on the sofa, but I don't hate being alone so much that I would settle for anything. Life is full of so much. The people who criticise are invariably the ones who have never tried it. They are too scared to see if they could survive on their own. I am the stronger one :-)

Sunday Morning

Lark! I am getting addicted to this blogger scene. Last night I went to R's house for dinner. I have not seen her for quite a while so it was good to catch up. She made a delicious casserole for dinner and we drank some great red wine from Margaret River. We've decided to go walking in the Peak District next weekend. It's up to me to find a nice place to stay.

Clocks turned back last night - hooray, an extra hour in bed, not that it makes much difference. B and S are coming over around 10 to help jump start the RAV. I am ashamed of the outside of my building, it is cruddy. I live like a student not like a high powered lawyer! I am going to head over to the Patisserie and buy a croissant and the paper to gird my loins for this morning's activities. Where shall I go for a drive?

This arvo I have to work on some docs for work. Having chucked it all in Queen Bee's face, I need to do something in return for my bad and rude email. Affiliate transactions here I come!

Had second thoughts about the call with S on Wednesday. What if we get tounge-tied and don't know what to say to each other? It might destroy the momentum of our correspondence. Nah... I am panicking unnecessarily. It will be fine, it will be fine. All I wanted to do was hear his voice for 5 minutes - now I'm not so sure. What am I doing?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Ethical Tartdom?

Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone -
Dhammpada

I was surfing Amy Alkon's terrific site, Advice Goddess, when I came across this book about polyamory. It touched a nerve, I suppose, because S is far away and we are making plans to see each other again at some point in the next 12 months. Our relationship is all about duality.

I am actively searching for my life partner. I don't believe it is S. But there is a connection between us and I feel compelled to see this through. I know I have a choice the walk away. But I believe he came into my life for a reason. I met him in New Orleans on one of those pivotal days of my life where everything changed. He lied to me; I did not know he was engaged the first time we met. Why I did not kick him to the kerb I do not know. It floored me when I eventually discovered the truth about his marriage. For the first time in my life I understood what it was to suffer physically from emotional shock. I have walked away from other lovers but not from him; why? I know that I am not in love with him. This is not just about sex. It's a mixture of the two.

I am not afraid to show him how smart I am, how I love my freedom to travel, that I read books, follow politics and have opinions. I am frivilous, I can be lustful and I am compassionate. I can lose my temper with a passion that would frighten some. But none of this scares him. He says I turn him on like no woman he has ever met in his life. For the first time in my life I feel I can be myself with a man and he accepts me for all that I am. I love his wit, intelligence, he is funny and smart. I think if circumstances in our lives had been very, very, very different, perhaps if we had met before he had kids, we would have been a wonderful couple. We hit each others buttons. But that is not the way life is, and I know that he will never be with me now. It cannot be and I don't want it to be.

We share some kind of a bond, pure and simple. Maybe in our next life...

It bothers me that I seem to have no scruples about continuing my relationship with him. My only justification is that I do not want him to leave his wife for me. We live on the other side of the world from each other so that helps... But still, he is unfaithful to his wife by writing to me, no question.

I am not responsible for his choices. I think he feels trapped in certain aspects of his life and that deep down, he feels he has not achieved all that he wanted to and was capable of. 3 marriages before he was 32. He is a rover at heart. I think I represent for him the other life he might have led had he made different choices. My theory is he married his current wife because she became pregnant. I know he loves his son more than anything in the world. Maybe I was the first woman he was unfaithful with (he slept with me before they married). I know for sure I am not the only one since then. I feel sorry for her that she is married to a man who strays like this. He told me once that she was a little clingy but I can understand that; deep down she knows he is not true to her. He is not happy with her but then I don't think he could be happy with anyone. I think she would be better off without him but that does not mean I want him to be with me. He is very self-centered and I have no illusion that we could share any kind of permanent happiness together. He wants me because he cannot have me... and I want him because I love the Same Time Next Year aspect of our destructive but heady relationship.

I am an adulteress and I feel very little guilt. What kind of awful person am I???

First Day, First Entry!


First day, first journal entry. I woke this morning having spent an unexpectedly heavy night on the razz with the Marquesa. We had had a tough day at work, sorting out our issues with Queen Bee. It's difficult, I admire QB a lot but she does not trust us. I can understand why... but we never had an agenda with her, I hope we can move on. I'm a little pessimistic, the Marquesa feels more positive.

I did my usual Saturday morning thing... went to the Patisserie, bought a copy of The Times and wolfed down scrambled eggs, bacon and toast! I felt much better after that. I saw this hilarious photo in the picture caption competition, I had to keep it for posterity. I've spent a large chunk of this morning trying to recreate it!

I don't know why I decided to try doing a blog again. For some reason I feel the need to record my opinions, my thoughts. I am still going through great changes, I think. Maybe it is being 35? Thanks to my ipod, I am listening to so many great radio shows. I am an intelligentsia! My favourite shows at the moment are Late Night Live (with Philip Adams), KCRW's Left, Right & Center and To the Point, the Leonard Lopate Show and In our Time by the BBC. This all co-incides with me buying The Guardian every day... such a wonderful newspaper, I have learned so much from it.


An article from today's Times caught my eye. It was about the Russian oligarch, Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who has been sent to a Siberian gulag for 6 years for upsetting Putin. Life in a Siberian prison is not pleasant. Life is fragile - one second you can have everything, another day it is all gone. Still, I suppose his wife has their billions saved in a safe Swiss bank account. Maybe they will not suffer too much.

So? Weird surf find of the day: this article on Jaffa Cakes . Podcast of the day? Sen. Trent Lott talking about his autobiography on The Bookcast.