Saturday, October 29, 2005

Ethical Tartdom?

Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone -
Dhammpada

I was surfing Amy Alkon's terrific site, Advice Goddess, when I came across this book about polyamory. It touched a nerve, I suppose, because S is far away and we are making plans to see each other again at some point in the next 12 months. Our relationship is all about duality.

I am actively searching for my life partner. I don't believe it is S. But there is a connection between us and I feel compelled to see this through. I know I have a choice the walk away. But I believe he came into my life for a reason. I met him in New Orleans on one of those pivotal days of my life where everything changed. He lied to me; I did not know he was engaged the first time we met. Why I did not kick him to the kerb I do not know. It floored me when I eventually discovered the truth about his marriage. For the first time in my life I understood what it was to suffer physically from emotional shock. I have walked away from other lovers but not from him; why? I know that I am not in love with him. This is not just about sex. It's a mixture of the two.

I am not afraid to show him how smart I am, how I love my freedom to travel, that I read books, follow politics and have opinions. I am frivilous, I can be lustful and I am compassionate. I can lose my temper with a passion that would frighten some. But none of this scares him. He says I turn him on like no woman he has ever met in his life. For the first time in my life I feel I can be myself with a man and he accepts me for all that I am. I love his wit, intelligence, he is funny and smart. I think if circumstances in our lives had been very, very, very different, perhaps if we had met before he had kids, we would have been a wonderful couple. We hit each others buttons. But that is not the way life is, and I know that he will never be with me now. It cannot be and I don't want it to be.

We share some kind of a bond, pure and simple. Maybe in our next life...

It bothers me that I seem to have no scruples about continuing my relationship with him. My only justification is that I do not want him to leave his wife for me. We live on the other side of the world from each other so that helps... But still, he is unfaithful to his wife by writing to me, no question.

I am not responsible for his choices. I think he feels trapped in certain aspects of his life and that deep down, he feels he has not achieved all that he wanted to and was capable of. 3 marriages before he was 32. He is a rover at heart. I think I represent for him the other life he might have led had he made different choices. My theory is he married his current wife because she became pregnant. I know he loves his son more than anything in the world. Maybe I was the first woman he was unfaithful with (he slept with me before they married). I know for sure I am not the only one since then. I feel sorry for her that she is married to a man who strays like this. He told me once that she was a little clingy but I can understand that; deep down she knows he is not true to her. He is not happy with her but then I don't think he could be happy with anyone. I think she would be better off without him but that does not mean I want him to be with me. He is very self-centered and I have no illusion that we could share any kind of permanent happiness together. He wants me because he cannot have me... and I want him because I love the Same Time Next Year aspect of our destructive but heady relationship.

I am an adulteress and I feel very little guilt. What kind of awful person am I???

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