Saturday, November 12, 2005

Two weeks on - what is going on in my life?

It has been a while but I am back. The last 2 weeks have been a roller-coaster ride:
  • I think things are better between Queen Bee and the Marquesa and me. The Rear Admiral came over from the US. We had a staff meeting, it was OK but re-inforced for all of us how disempowered we are as a team. How to deal? The Rear Admiral was OK in my one-on-one but I don't feel we discussed anything too meaningful. It's frustrating. I need to find my niche and find it quick.
  • I had my call with S. It was awful. The atmosphere was weird. We talked for less than 10 minutes, he did not try to initiate much conversation, it was as if he was waiting for me to do the talking. Which is fair since it was me who initiated the bloody call in the first place! Then, in less than 10 minutes, he rang off because someone needed to talk to him. Hello??!!! I was so upset. I was turmoiled, as blown away as I was back in February when he told me he was married. So I sent him an email, saying that the call felt weird, and were we OK? He sent an email back basically saying he thought I was the one who was nervous and yes, all was OK. !!!!! I went out for dinner with Aussie D to a restaurant in Borough called Roast which was expensive but not impressive. I couldn't eat or concentrate - I am sure I was not good company. When I got home around 10.15 I called S back. The conversation was better than earlier and I was glad I did it.
  • Weirdly, S has sent me quite a few photos since of him and his kid. The little boy is very cute. Since then I have decided to retrench from him. I can't go through that agony again, I just can't. I felt terrible and I hated myself for letting him get to me, again. And guess what? I have gone off him a little. I don't know why - maybe it is like the veil has lifted from my eyes. Having been through the ringer, and having seen these photos, it has made me realise that what he and I have is very superficial. He is one notch up from southern white trash. He gives me nothing. He does not give me what I need, he can't even give me conversation. His words are just that, words. It is bullshit. He is not holding up his end of the bargain with me. So, if he wants me, he has to do the running. I am through with trying to get him to engage with me. It is nice to read his lovely words but I know that it is just crap. He is just not that into me!! However, if the opportunity to sleep with him again came along, I will do it. But I am not going to go out of my way any more.
  • So in that vein, out of the blue this week, Mr T emailed me out of the blue. Why?? The last time I spoke to him, I shouted at him for being a shit. I stood up to myself and felt great for it (though also a little depressed but not as depressed as I would have been had I not tracked him down). Perhaps that is why he comes back for more - I am not a walkover, maybe that is the attraction? He writes succinctly. I never contact him, he has always been the first to instigate it, we swap some emails, then he vanishes. I thought I had heard the last of him and then whammo! There he is in my email. T wants to meet up with me when I am in the US in January. I wonder why - clearly it will just be for sex. And why the hell not? I guess what puzzles me is why he would make the effort when he would have endless women to hand if he wanted them. He has a great body - better than S - which is one reason why I would be stupid to pass up the chance to be with him again. What did behaving like the Catholic schoolgirl I was ever get me? Not much - I am never going to look better than I do now - what the hell, I am going to go for it. But like S, T has to fit around my plans. If he can't sort his timetable to be with me, then tough.
  • And I have a first date with N on Sunday night. He sounded nice on the phone, he made me laugh. Could be promising although so far, most of the guys have been losers.
  • I've lost my car keys - and, I fear, the spares!
  • Finally, I am focusing on the office politics. I need to be more savvy to get ahead. I need to make more time for me and my career development during the day. That is the big push for the time being.

And that is the story of Madame Counsellor's life over the past 2 weeks. My mood today is upbeat. I am singing Hung Up by Madonna. I have a free DVD of Rebecca with Laurence Olivier and Joan Fontaine to watch. Great stuff.


Blogger Minerva said...

Sounds fascinating to me... I am intrigued by S, by N and by T...


1:14 PM  

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